Dating and Divorce

What comes next?

My role model?

The story I grew up hearing about how to move on after divorce had a big tom turkey in it. His name was Symphony and he got eaten at the wedding.

Going to Family Court

I couldn’t get childcare so this is a picture my son took as I was waiting for my hearing. Even looking at this picture now, I feel sick to my stomach with all of the stress of that divorce.

I am a child of divorce. My father up and left and within 6 months we had a stepfather living in our house. The story my mother tells is that she had a lusty tom turkey and he, future stepfather, had some females. So my mother drove the big tom over to this man’s house, they watched the turkeys mating, locked eyes and the rest is history.

Rural Oregon in the 1970s. No online dating. It worked for them.

When I got divorced several decades later, I did not have a turkey and I had no idea how to mate/date. I had easily met my (ex) husband at a Rochester Starbucks when I asked him for a ride to work. It was that simple. He thought I was insane. I thought he was safe. East Coast vs. West Coast.

When my marriage ended I was immediately enraged about two things. 1. I would have to find a new person to sleep with, a chore I didn’t want. 2. My carefully curated life was turned into a cliche!

My ex-husband married one of the grad students he was affairing with (the cliche) and I was set adrift into the world of dating.

So how do you go from divorce to optimistic dating?

It is hard. So hard and for so many reasons.

You need to learn to trust your judgment, your intuition, your choices. You may be thinking about how your body will feel in a completely different equation. You may be stuck in circular thinking for a good long while — despair, vengeance, denial, shame, regret, etc.

It can feel like this. For a while.

If you are going through divorce or if your friends are, it may be helpful to remember these stages. These are also stages of loss and change if you are losing something besides a spouse. They don’t occur in perfect order and they may overlap.

1. Realization. It’s time, it’s inevitable, it’s the truth that you are going to break up.

2. The separation. All the hard work of changing your life.

3. Dissolution. The realization that your future will never be the same. Enormous grief. Reality hits home and emotions can go wild. If you feel stuck in this phase, I have heard great things about this workshop on grief.

4. Integration and healing. Setting up new patterns. Shaping your life and self with intention.

These last two can alternate or happen all at once over and over.

5. New life stage. Expanding, moving on, carrying yourself through life in a fresh way.

You can think about dating, meeting new people, at any of these stages and although dating won’t save you, it can serve you to reconfigure your story.

I asked Rebecca Wolf, a divorce coach, what she wanted people to know. I sure wish I had had a divorce coach. I only had the turkey story and a lot of pity from well-meaning friends. I really didn’t believe it would get better. But it did and it has.

Wolf has some reminders for you if you are somewhere between divorce and dating:

- People don’t think they can have their heart’s desires. (they can).

- People don’t know what they don’t know. (it’s okay to be lost)

- Before their divorce, people knew they could accomplish things but then their faith is shaken.

- You can thrive if you can look at the divorce as a project rather than a calamity.

- At first, dating can feel like cheating. It’s okay.

- You will come out of the darkness and see that it’s going to be okay even if you don’t know exactly how yet.

Thank you, Rebecca!

If you want to talk about dating again, I am here for you. Book a one hour call. You can tell me your story and I will lead you in some practices. No turkeys will be harmed.

I got divorced. I fell in love again (more than once). I hardly ever think of my ex these days. I’m here to help.

If you are dissatisfied with your love life….

If you are you successful in your creative and yet lonely…

Kimberley Healey specializes in helping smart, creative people create a deeply satisfying love life. Her work is intuitive, pragmatic and joyous.

Want to have a one on one conversation and dive deeper into your own desires?

Book a free coaching call with me to see if we are a match. I’d love to share my approach and hear more about your aspirations.